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My journey this year 2021-2022 part 1.

 

It shocks me that I have lived here in North Carolina for almost a year and a half.  And it has changed me.  It has been a challenging year for sure. But looking back so much has changed.  So much growth. So many lessons. A lot of Loss of loved ones. Gained friends, strengthened relationships and lost some as well. 

I am trying to think back to where I even was a year ago.  Its a blur. This year went by so fast.  Veda has taken leaps and bounds in her life. She's a freshman in HS and thriving.  She has great friends, and a romantic relationship. She is strong and fearless. She is just simply an amazing kid.  I swear I don't know what Bill and I did to have a kid who is just so smart, strong, kind, loving, respectful and honestly easy to parent.  She makes me laugh. She isn't afraid to show her emotions and speak her mind. This kid is going to go far in life. And I can't wait to be a witness to it.  

This year was a year of having to continue to learn lessons for me.  I learned in short the following:

1. Love yourself, cause if you can't, then there is no room to love someone else.

2. Take time to take care of yourself.  I had emergency back surgery end of October. I learned a lot with this surgery.  One is to not push myself so hard and learn to lean on others for help.  I suck at that. I am also learning currently, that I have a tendency to be there more for others than I do myself.  And when others need me, I put my needs on the back burner and more importantly I realize that I choose to help people that are not capable of giving back.  I have the rescuer syndrome which often leads me to burnout.  I have been doing a lot of research on this topic lately.  I have definitely gotten better at this. The phrase, "not my circus, not my monkeys" has come more into play in the past year for me than ever.  I found that I, especially as an Empath, take on peoples issues, even if its just being at their beck and call 24.7, and then their energy consumes me.  This past year I have worked on the idea, that I can be there to listen, but I don't have to own their shit.  If only I learned this years ago, I wouldn't have stayed in a toxic abusive relationship for 6 years. We all learn eventually right?  But this wasn't just the case with my romantic relationship, this was the case for almost ALL my relationships personally and professionally. So much so that I seriously stopped taking care of me and burned out to nothing.  So, now at times where I see someone who is struggling I ask myself some serious questions. Like, is this person truly capable of getting themselves out of the situation? Are they really asking for help or are they looking for attention?  Is the situation something that they brought upon themselves and need to figure out on their own how to get out of it, or is is situational and really could use some help? Am I able to help them at this time with what I am currently able to give or have? That last one is a big one for me.  Often times I give when I am in the throws of hell myself, only to find that I make my situation worse by given to others what I don't even have. I have to learn to STOP and take a step back from situations and even people who suck the life out of me.  My past relationship was a CLEAR sign of me giving and giving and trying and trying to work with someone who was never going to help himself. And it took multiple times of me setting boundaries with this person, and building up wall after wall to protect myself and my mental health before i finally woke up and realized what I had been doing and needed to cut this person off.   

3.  Show and lead by example.  I can't expect my kid to be healthy, on any level, if I am not doing it myself. I cannot expect people in my life to take my word and advice, if I am not doing it myself. 

4. Surround yourself with healthy people.  I am so fortunate to have some pretty amazing people in my life. People who tell me and show me my truth. Who help me be authentic and more so people who, through thick and thin, love me for me.  I have made sure and done my best to surround myself with like minded people. It truly makes all the difference in the world. 

5. Lastly, and this is huge for me right now... not all the time do you have to have the answer.  I am realizing that I always want to know the answer or the plan. I have spent years going through every situation with the "what if" thought process so that I can know what to do if a scenario goes in different directions.  It doesn't work and only adds to my stress. Sometimes, we truly have to let go and let the universe show us our path. 

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