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Did I "Bail"?


Almost 10 months ago, I moved my daughter and I to North Carolina from Michigan. Starting about 9 months before the move life took a twist. My daughters amazing Dad passed away suddenly. Then Covid-19 hit. I fought every day with my kid, we were both spiraling down into what felt like the deepest pit of anxiety and depression.  I won't go into all the things that happened in between those hard months. But it was too much.  Then one day, about 3 or 4 months before moving, it came to me.  I remember having a full out fight with my daughter. She was lost. I was lost. and the combination wasn't good.  And I remember staring at her and having this overwhelming surge of emotions.  And that's when it starting to hit me...I can't, we can't live like this anymore.  I had said the unthinkable to her, something straight out of my parents book... "if you don't like it here, you can go live somewhere else".  Regret hit me as soon as I said it, because I knew that there is nothing more important in my life than her life. I couldn't, I can't, live my life with out her. 

I called up my best friend and said, "we need to get away, now". So we took a girls trip to northern Michigan to a small cottage on the lake.  I had time to clear my head. To get away from the noise. To think.  And that time there, made me realize just how short life is. And if you don't take a moment first to have stillness...you will never hear where the universe is wanting you to be.  I knew things had to change when we got back. I knew that the life I was creating for my daughter and myself was the ONLY thing that was important.  The seed was planted during that week, that maybe being in this small town that I called home for the past 25 years wasn't watering and feeding us anymore.  

I was told recently, that "I bailed". That I gave up when things were hard. That I just up and left everybody, my friends, my town, even my boyfriend.   And the only thing I felt when being told how horrible of a person I was to up and move my daughter and I to a different state was a bit of PRIDE.  Because I did what so many don't have the guts to do.  I did what I have done more than once in my life.  I choose to get unstuck of the vicious circle of being a victim of my life, and I choose what I felt and still feel, was the best choice for happiness for my daughter and I.  I chose ME.  

So, Did I bail? Not even close.  Not gaslighting the feelings some people in my life may have had or have by any means.  But that's their story, not mine to own.  I took my life, and my daughters life as a priority. I moved to a location where the sun shines year round and is 15 minutes from the ocean.  And in the past 10 months, I have watched my daughter laugh and smile again. Its not all roses, but there is a light and growth that I see in her, and myself.  Those that are meant to be in our lives...family, friends....if they are truly meant to be there.... then NO distance in this country will make a difference. And if they are the right people in your life.... they won't think you bailed, they will understand and they will cheer for your successes.

If there is anything that you get from my life story.... is that NOTHING in life is permanent, except death. You are never stuck. You do what is best for you and your family. You are NOT living this life for anybody else but YOU.  Stop living your life on other peoples expectations and guilt. That is about their story, not yours.  Write your own story and live your greatest life, because at the end of the day....when its time for you to part this world.... you won't regret it.  

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